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Sermon of Conglomeration
By BROTHER RITECHUS N DIGNATION
Let's talk about preachers.
Why not? Ever' body does on Sunday at the dinner table after church.
Let's just make it official. When it comes to preachers and preachin',
there's all kinds. I know some short preachers, tall preachers,
fat, skinny, and even a few handsome preachers. I've also met some
ugly preachers. I've heard some good preachin' and I've heard some
sorry preachin'. I've endured long sermons and enjoyed short
ones.
Here's a word of the wise
to preachers. Bale your hay. That's what old Brother Gerald
Kellar taught us preacher boys at the institute. Stand up,
speak up, and shut up. The direct result of hay not baIed is long
sermons. I remember once in preachin' class, one fellow preached
so long, half the class left out to go get a haircut.
Not to be outdone, a preacher boy got up the next week, preached
longer, so Brother Kellar started shaking his watch in
the air. He never got the message. The next time he preached,
Brother Kellar brought a calendar and tore pages out during the sermon.
To quote my wife, Sister Ritechus N Dignation, "The mind can
only absorb what the bottom can endure."
The most classic mess of
a sermon I ever heard came from Archibald T. Purvis. He
preached what I call a sermon of conglomeration. From the
best of my memory, it went something like this:
"Open your Bibles
to the book of Genesis while I preach to you about a man named Adam.
God made Adam and put him in a garden and he worked until he got tired,
then fell alseep. While he was asleep, an enemy came and sowed
tares in his field. When he awoke, he wist not that his strength
was gone from him. So he left the garden-uh, and went into a far
country and there he married 700 wives and 300 concubines. Then
began great tribulation-uh. Can I get an amen-uh? Now I want
you to know-uh, that he met a man named Noah, who took him for a ride
on his boat-uh. And while he was on top of the boat, a great whirlwind
came and knocked him off the boat and he fell into the water and was swallowed
by a great fish-uh. And he remained in the belly of the fish-uh,
for 40 days and 40 nights-uh. Then the fish-uh was caught in a net,
and the net began to break-uh and the fish spit him out-uh and he fell
on top of Peter who was praying on a roof, and he got tangled up in a
great sheet-uh. He then fell out of the sheet-uh into a bottomless
pit-uh and remained there for 1000 years, until he was loosed for
a little season. He then went to the city of Gadara, and there wandered
among the tombs forever-uh and ever-uh. Amen."
Now that's apostolic preachin'.
The apostles went every where preaching the gospel. So did Archibald.
He started in Genesis, than went everywhere preaching the gospel.
Preacher, you may wax eloquent in long sermons, but more than likely,
your just repeatin' yourself and probably are just a legend in your own
mind. Bale yor hay.
Joseph Harris is the Vice
President of Southeastern Baptist College in Laurel, MS.
(This article may be reprinted in whole, as long as the name Joseph Harris
and www.miniedition.net
also appear)
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