The REAL Terrorists

The REAL Terrorists

Isn't a terrorist someone whose desire is to spread terror to as many people as possible? Isn't fear, insecurity, and instability the desired end result of such a diabolically wicked person? Doesn't a terrorist count himself a success only by how much terror he can spread?

Now stop and think for a minute. (If you can do that without your television set.) What has been the source of most if not all of your fears? What has found you, peacefully minding your own business, trying to enjoy life and suddenly drove a sword of fear and terror into your otherwise peaceful existence. Well, since you have a TV, and therefore probably are incapable of a thought independent of it, I'll tell you. It's the News Industry!

Think about it. You were "fat, dumb, and happy" and then the News Industry told you to be afraid of what you ate. They told you about cholesterol, salmonella, "killer" Mexican food, "killer" Chinese Food, "killer" American food, dangerously dirty restaurant kitchens and . . . Alar!

Then they told you your doctor, mechanic, and local politician were all incompetent. They made you afraid of everything. Most of the things you're afraid of right now you heard about from your TV set.

So tell me. Who's the most successful terrorist in America?

DR. SAMUEL C. GIPP

National Association of Spaceman Anglers

NASA, ever desperate to catch some evidence of life in space, (which doesn't exist) has been dealt another horrible blow by truth. In hopes of finding life, they have been near panicked to find planets that have an earthlike relationship to a star similar to our solar system so that they can continue on the mission of disproving the Bible.

One of the requirements for life is a stable, circular orbit around its sun. Good news! They've found 17 star/planet relationships in space. Bad news! None of them are capable of sustaining life.

Eight of the planets have the necessary circular orbits but are too close to their sun to sustain life. One is so close it has a "year," one complete circuit of its sun, of 3.3 days. The other nine have elliptical (egg-shaped) orbits which are known as "killer orbits" because they cannot sustain life and would tend to smash into any other planets in a circular orbit.

Gee! It's almost like our planet's orbit is the result of an intelligent Creator! In fact, one scientist was forced to orate on our miraculous solar system by saying, "Look at how perfect this thing is. It's like a jewel. You've got circular orbits. They're all in the same plane. they're all going around in the same direction . . . It's perfect, you know. It's almost uncanny."

Poor guy. He just couldn't bring himself to say it . . . it's a miracle! It must have been created by an intelligent Creator!

DR. SAMUEL C. GIPP

More Bad News For Science

Duke University scientists have discovered that the "Neanderthal" man may have been able to speak. According to scientific wishful thinking, this guy supposedly lived 300,000 years ago. He's not allowed to be able to talk or he would be a man and not a link in the hypothetical evolutionary chain. Duke's findings have the scientific community scrambling to "prove" such a thing couldn't be true.

So what's new? Al Gore can talk (almost), and he's Neanderthal! isn't that proof enough?

DR. SAMUEL C. GIPP